Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
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It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?