It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
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Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
23. the denim jacket
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
R.I.P.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”