one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
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If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.