When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
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Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground