If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
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Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.