The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
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Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
get you a girl who
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying