I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
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My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home