Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
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This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.