Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
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The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.