A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
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You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
There’s always that one guy
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see