Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
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If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
WTF
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”