So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
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When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
Hero horse inspires millions
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.