“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
You Might Also Like
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.