Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
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Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Pandas 🐼🖤
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.