[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
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BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”