pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
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My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
Travel bloggers during quarantine
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
what?
yall want some gasoline milk
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
Shower sex be like:
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door