Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
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He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911