Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
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Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.