Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
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The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”