wtf is an acronym
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Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.