Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
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I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.