Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
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“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
giddy up Office Depot
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.