[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
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Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
once I posted “it’s funny how ‘the Hague’ is like the only city that randomly decided to give itself a definite article” and everyone was like “don’t you live in Los Angeles”
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island