I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
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Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Breaking news:
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.