I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
You Might Also Like
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.