“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
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I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.