[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
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The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.