Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
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[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
*3.5 thank you very much.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
You sure about that?
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*