netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
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*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
For the baby who has everything
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*