Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
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People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
My birth announcement for our third baby
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.