Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
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MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
tell em, edith-anne
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
A family that plays together cheats.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle