Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
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Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin