The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
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HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
Growing up was a huge mistake
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
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Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂