So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
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“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland