*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
You Might Also Like
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
I need to get some bricks…
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime