TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
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Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
Snapes on a plane.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me