After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
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11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
had to make it
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
An odd boast
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”