Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
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My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
@funTweeters I am at your service….
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.