Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
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alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
Worth a try
Come back with a warrant
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for