[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
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Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.