If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
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My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
Lmao 🤣
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.