Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
You Might Also Like
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done