Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
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Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.