I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
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Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?