This guy gets it.
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[canadians at you, canadianly]
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
#CatsOnTwitter
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
blocked.
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
Pretty much! 😂👀
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.