Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
You Might Also Like
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!