I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
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I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
Spring cleaning checklist…
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35