I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
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[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Never mess with a drunken pig.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering