COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
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Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave