I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
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broke down and did it
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
Unexpected Judgment
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.